Knowing My Faults

It’s incredibly difficult to deal with your bad days on your own. I know how hard it can be, as I’m writing this while sitting in a room by myself crying for no reason. It’s worse when you know there’s someone in the next room that can help but just won’t. I feel like I’m doomed to having people that don’t try in my life. They have the potential to do great, they just don’t. They sit there and watch life happen as I wait for them to wake up one day and be present in my life. Maybe I’m just giving everyone too much credit, or my expectations are too high.

I know that part of it is my own fault, how can I expect someone to be there for me if I don’t let people stay long enough to be around. I don’t know why I do it either I’m so afraid of being alone that I don’t even give anyone the chance to abandon me…ultimately leaving me in the lonely place I fear. I realize that I do this I just can’t help myself to stop, I push people away I am my own worst enemy.

I wish I knew WHY I did this because when I truly start to think about it, it really doesn’t make any sense to me. Who pushes people away when they’re afraid of being alone? Why on earth would I put myself in a place I have no intention to be in. My self-destructive tendencies have done nothing good for me, yet I have no idea how to make them stop. I just hope that one day I can figure out why I do this so I can put it to a stop. Until then I’ll just have to learn to be my own superhero and help myself because I can’t expect someone to be my on-call therapist, no one signs up for that job and no one should have that responsibility.

It’s kind of funny where I started to where I ended. I went from crying and feeling bad for myself to realizing my faults and taking the blame for my actions.