Depression
I'm shocked at the number of people who still believe mental illness isn't real. Perhaps these people are uneducated on the topic, and they lack awareness of the battles some people have to face every day, or perhaps they believe that it can't be real because they've never had a mental illness. Whatever the case may be, mental illness is real. As a sufferer of depression, I want to take this time to talk about my mental health and how it impacts me. But first, I want to dispel any misconceptions about the mental illness.
Depression is simply not sadness, nor is it simply a down feeling. It hits everyone differently, and because of this, not every depressed person feels sad or down. Depression is not something one can just “get over”. Telling a sufferer to get over depression is akin to telling a cancer patient to will the cancer away. That's not how it works. I understand that in my example one is a mental illness and the other is a physical illness, but my point is that an illness is an illness and it can't be something one can will away. Another misconception is that being depressed and having depression are the same thing. That is not true. As human beings, we all feel an array of emotions, and that is why when a loved one passes away, it's common to feel depressed. But if you feel depressed 24/7 for months on end, then that's an issue. If one were to feel happy 24/7, then as amazing as that sounds, that's also an issue. We, as humans, are meant to feel different emotions at different times and when we get stuck with one feeling for a long period of time, that's when I think we have an abnormality. Another misconception is that depression is always triggered by an event. That is not true. Take me for an example. My depression sort of just arrived out of the blue and clung onto me for the past 8 years.
Like I said, depression manifests in everyone uniquely, so my experience with it is not and cannot be reflective of another person's experience with it. My battle is my own. With that out there, I'll try my best to give you a glimpse of how the mental illness manifests in me. For starters, the symptoms I am about to list and explain don't all happen to me all at once and some symptoms happen more often than others. I won't be making a note of this.
On some days, my body feels extremely heavy and it takes all my effort to just stand up. This is different from other days when I feel like I have no energy to move at all. In other words, sometimes my body needs ten times its normal amount of energy to move and sometimes I wake up with zero energy. In both cases, I can't move. Now, imagine trying to live your life with a body that's incapable of bending to your will. Need to climb stairs? Too bad. Hungry? Sorry bud. Etc. It becomes extremely hard to earn a living with a body like this.
On some days, I can't help but feel like a burden to everyone around me. I feel as if every move I make, I'm hindering someone in some way. This is an intense thought process and it leads to strong guilt. Also, on these days, I feel hopeless and feel as if there's nothing I can do to stop being a burden. All this leads to the conclusion that I'd be better off dead. Although I can write about this thought process and know that none of this is true at the time of writing this, it is EXTREMELY hard to fight these thoughts and not believe in them when they are occurring. It's a downward spiral that can't be stopped on its own. I can't push a button to stop the thoughts. It doesn't work like that. It's like trying to stop a panic attack by telling yourself “stop”. It won't work.
On other days, I’m not motivated to do anything. Along with this feeling comes a “numb” feeling. I just can't feel emotions and because of it, I don't want to do anything. Feeling nothing might sound good to those who only feel sorrow, but don't forget “nothing” truly means nothing; it means not feeling any of the good emotions either. I feel like a rock. Try to imagine that. Numbness coupled with no drive to better myself is what lead to my 65lb weight gain.
On some days, I can't stop thinking about dying. Sometimes I feel like dying because I'm a burden, sometimes I feel like dying because I have no hope for my future, sometimes I feel like dying because I can't feel anything, and sometimes I feel like dying for no good reason at all. Whatever the case, the feeling isn't good. On these days, every fiber in me wants to not exist anymore. This feeling can be a lot more intense on some days compared to others. When it's intense, it's INTENSE. The best way to fight this intense feeling is to bundle up in bed and not leave the room. This way, I can ensure that I won't kill myself.
On some days, I can't help but feel VERY frustrated. I get angry for no good reason and explode. Simple things like people asking me to repeat what I said will make me explode. I'd like to take this moment to apologize to those who were on the other end of this.
My mind is my worst enemy. That's the shortest way I can describe my depression. My job today was to showcase to at least one person that this mental illness is real. I urge you to ask someone you know to describe their battle for you if you need further convincing.
- Anonymous