My Relapse Story

A person can relapse from any sort of addiction; this includes drugs, alcohol, self-harm etc. I wanted to very much make that clear. Regardless of what it is you’re addicted to, it is important and you deserve to get better.

I still remember celebrating my first week of recovering. Just going an entire week and not having bad thoughts was one of the best feelings I have ever had. Not only was I happy I was proud of myself, but it only took one person to take that away. The moment I relapsed I felt as if all the work I put into myself went to waste. I didn’t know what relapsing was then all I could think then was I’m a failure. I talked to a good friend of my who told me to talk to a social worker that came to my school ones a week and I tried to talk to her, and I can’t even begin to explain how helpful that was for me.

I remember talking to her for the first time about my relapse and having her explain to me that I didn’t fail and it was all a part of the process. It really did feel nice to have someone validate all the work I was doing and to tell me that the one I mistake I made was okay just as long as I didn’t give up on myself.

Its been 4 years and even to this day I still have moments where I can’t help but want to go back to my old ways. On those days, I write in my relapse journal (which I talk about in my tips and tricks article). Keeping the journal really got me thinking about how hard I’ve worked at getting to this point. Sometimes I think of everything I could’ve changed in my life to avoid getting to where I am right now, but in all honesty, I don’t think I want to change anything in my life. Yes, a lot has happened that led me to rock bottom but I didn’t hit rock bottom I wouldn’t be where I am today with the people I am with today.

Whenever I want to relapse I try to find an alternative for myself. Trying to figure out what works for me really took some time. I love to write, sketch and paint. The first thing I tried to do was sketch and paint and for a while that really did work but it wasn’t getting any frustration out. I then started writing and that worked wonders. Everything I felt I put onto a piece of paper and burnt it. That sounds dramatic I know but it was so refreshing to let everything out without feeling like I was going to be judged or to ever think and talk about the issue again until I really needed to. The alternatives I found were so much better for me than anything I’ve ever tried before. I made sure to discard of the letters I wrote to myself afterwards because I was really scared of someone else reading it.

Everyone will have a different alternative and for some people it won’t help, but it did for me. I stopped feeling like I was failing myself and at my recovery. I started understanding how hard I’m going to have to work with myself but looking back now I really think it was all worth it. It was worth taking some time to myself and learning to love myself and understanding what I deserve.