Listening

I truly believe that being alone and being lonely are two different things. For example, you could be surrounded by the whole world and still feel lonely. Merriam-Webster pretty much defines the both as some form of isolation, and I agree...kind of. I like to be left to my own devices–I'm not sure how much of that stems from my social anxiety but that's another topic for another day–but I would never dream of not having anyone to rely on. That's what loneliness is to me. It's the feeling you get when no one is on your side. It's a feeling. Period. In other words, physical isolation and emotional isolation are not synonymous.

Loneliness rarely strikes me, but boy did it hit hard two days ago. I'm talking uppercuts, hooks, haymakers, the whole shabang really. It was a heavy feeling I couldn't bear. I felt like nobody cared for me, like I wasn't valuable to anybody, like I had zero connections, and as if nobody would notice if I were to drop dead in that moment. It was a scary feeling and I believe it led to a mini existential crisis. In fact, I felt so emotionally isolated that I couldn't help but cry and it's not easy to make me cry.

Anyway, although being alone and being lonely are two different things, the way I combat loneliness is by not being alone. Of course, this only works for me if the loneliness stems from physical isolation. With that in mind, I ended up reaching out to a friend, which resulted in us spending a few hours talking online about stupidness. It helped relieve the loneliness but didn't help to eliminate it. I think actual human contact would have done the trick, but I'll take whatever I can get. I didn't tell my friend about being lonely, as I'm not as open as Ramnik about my mental health, but just told him that I was bored. Yesterday, we talked about stupidness again, and today, I don't feel lonely. I'm not saying this will work for you, but it sure worked for me. It seems I need to be shown that I have connections and that people do care about me. Once the reality sets in, the scary feeling goes away. In this situation, I was lucky to have someone lend me an ear, even if it was superficial. This brings me to the importance of listening.

I used to say that talking about my issues won't ever help me. Well, I was wrong. It turns out, talking about my issues helps me to get out the frustration that they cause me. In fact, talking about stupidness helps with the frustration too; it also helps to relieve my loneliness. In short, venting is great and everybody needs to try it, but it's only effective if somebody listens.

Let me start by saying this: None of my problems can ever compare to the problems of a poor African mother with multiple starving children, but they're my problems. Understanding that no issue is small is the first step in successfully venting. You must remove all guilt about talking about your “small” issues. Everything is fair play. With that said, I'm not trying to teach you how to vent but rather I'm trying to talk about listening to someone. For every mouth that talks, there needs to be at least one pair of ears that listens. That's what this is about.

I mentioned how lucky I was to have someone lend me an ear even if it was superficial. Before I explain what I meant by that, it's best to know my background a little. Very concisely, depression and I are well acquainted; it's a love-hate relationship...I hate it but it loves me. I've been suffering from it for about 8 years now, but just very recently figured out how to tackle it. Anyway, what I meant by that sentence is that you don't have to be Dr. Phil for the venter; you just have to listen. It really is that simple.

Approaching someone out of sheer pity isn't cool but as bad as it sounds, if that's the only way to let the venter vent, then so be it. I say this because a few years ago, the very same friend that lent me an ear in the past two days, helped me cope with my depression and my loneliness by always picking up my phone calls. I recently found out that they did this out of pity, but I didn't know that at the time.

At the end of the day, they helped me cope. It's a grey area if you ask me, but it helped me, so it might help others? That's how I feel. Lending someone an ear is better than doing nothing at all. It's up to you on how intricate you want to be, but just make sure that you let the venter open up to you at their own pace. Don't force it. Just make sure they know that your ears are always there.

People have a lot to say, but nobody to say it to. When you lend an ear, it doesn't have to be only to listen to the venter vent. Honestly, when you lend an ear, you're giving the venter well-needed company, even if it is an ear about the latest video game, and that helps to fight their loneliness, or at least that's the case for me. So, remember, always lend an ear, even if it is for stupidness...you might just help someone get through a tough, lonely day.

- Anonymous